As Marcus plans out his race calendar for next year, mine is emphatically empty. 104 blank pages. It’s ok, I’m not going to burst into tears as I might have done two years ago, although my eyes still have a habit of leaking now and again. I’m not going to rush to put endurance cycling events in like I did one year ago (and then cancelled them all). I am quietly going to fill it with some knee rehab, thanks to delayed surgery, interesting bits of work and some time with friends.
It’s not just the lack of race entries that keep it empty. When I was running 100+ races, I would have work with brands, magazine photo shoots, podcast requests, and people who wanted to hear me speak about running. That’s all quiet now. It makes sense, I’m no longer racing. Just quiet little walks from my home as I exercise the dog and prepare for another knee replacement. There never seems much to say about those or people who want to hear about them.
Despite feeling balanced mentally going into the time around my osteoarthrosis diagnosis, it’s been a hard adjustment. Without those running achievements, the message my mind received is I am not interesting, not needed, not wanted.
The truth is, the races were long down the list of heroic efforts. Before I ran 100 miles I thought it would be so interesting, but looking back now it was just a fun weekend away from my desk. Ask me what my toughest times have been and I wouldn’t even think about those runs. I would tell you about the cold November week I spent in London looking for my lost brother before the Police found his body. I would tell you about sitting next to my Dad, hearing him take his last breath and watching my brother close his eyes. I would tell you about the day I found my partner cheating but had to immediately show up at work and not tell anyone. I would tell you about how night after night I went to bed with the hope I could sleep and end the insomnia yet still be awake at 3am. I wouldn’t tell you about running over some fields when my legs were starting to get tired. It was there I got the most social media attention though.
I have had to re-curate my social media since my osteoarthritis diagnosis. It was runners everywhere. At first, just being a runner was enough for me to mute or unfollow, apart from some close friends. Now seeing runners doesn’t provoke such a strong reaction and I am more discerning with who’s words and pictures I consume.
It comes down to ‘what are they celebrating?’
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