A Myth of Finding Your One True Purpose
If the bluetit outside my window doesn’t create its purpose why should I?
What is your purpose in life? This is a question that has been posed and answered by a number of my guests on my Resilience Rising Podcast. At first glance it seemed to make sense; how the pursuit of fulfilling our purpose could allow us to put up with the tough work, find clarity in the difficult decisions, and have a sense of contentment, while ultimately achieving what we set out to do. But it always left me uneasy.
The first is that I don’t have a neatly packaged purpose. I am not sure I want one. My law career will tell you I set out to give a voice to those less fortunate, the children who had been failed in so many ways and needed to rebuild a life after prison. However, the variety of my CV after I left that work doesn’t speak of a career with that one purpose. I have tried to empower people in other careers, whether taking them outdoors, or in coaching, but I don’t feel that has been an intention. These ideas of serving and helping others, in a way of a purpose, seem such a capitalist and patriarchal structure. I don’t want to be here solely for the benefit of serving others. I don’t want to only have a sense of value from what I can do for others. Because, if I stop, if I rest, if I dare to change tack in life (spoiler: I have) then am I no longer with a purpose?
For some of the last decade or more, I have been juggling surgeries and chronic illness and trying to make a living I can bear so I can pay the bills. Maybe that’s what most of us are doing. I have no children to raise. I found myself getting deeper into writing a fiction book the last week, which is purely for entertainment, for me and maybe one day for others, but right now it is a merely selfish endeavour. While I do spend two days a week trying to make the world, or at least rural Scotland, a better place, working for a Green Party MSP, could I say I wouldn’t drop my current career in a heartbeat if Sky Sports came knocking to ask me to present their darts or other sports coverage – a secret fantasy I have, but one that I fully accept I haven’t put work in to realise yet apart from watching a lot of sport... I don’t feel like I have to spend every part of my life for the benefit of others. I seek joy, I create things I never share, and I would be happy never to work again and simply spend time watching the sunrise over the loch by my house.
The Pressure to Find “The One”
Have you heard that to live a meaningful life, we must discover our purpose? It’s as if it’s some hidden treasure, waiting to be uncovered. This idea has been repeated in self-help books, motivational talks, and career coaching sessions for decades. But what if this narrative is flawed? What if the relentless pursuit of purpose is making us feel more lost, anxious, or unfulfilled? I don’t want to feel less because I have never found my one true purpose. It takes me out of the present, out of a simple joy in the moment, turns me to focus on seeking something else.
The way purpose is often framed makes it sound like there’s a single, defining mission for each of us. If you haven’t found it, you’re behind. If you have found it but it shifts, you’ve failed or didn’t get it right the first time. This pressure can be heavy, it can be paralysing, making people feel inadequate for not having a clear purpose mapped out. Instead of feeling inspired, you feel like you’re missing out on something crucial.
Would you feel lighter if I told you that you don’t need a purpose?
Purpose as a Privilege
The idea of discovering or uncovering a grand life purpose assumes that we all have the time, resources, and stability to pursue something as deeply meaningful as a purpose. I know if I were asked about a purpose in times of financial insecurity, chronic illness, or acute stress I would have simply described my purpose as surviving. I used to work in securing basic human rights for young people locked up in prisons, or once out, fighting for a place to stay even if it was so temporary we could only have it for a night or two. There was no space for a purpose in those lives. There was no grand plan. To simply have somewhere to sleep and a means to find food.
Purpose feels like a privilege to me. Not everyone has the privilege of finding a higher reason for being and not everyone needs one.
The Myth of Purpose and Success
Is there an unspoken assumption that finding your purpose will lead to success, happiness, and certainty? How many people who set out to pursue a grand purpose find themselves disillusioned? Devoting years to a cause or career only to realise it wasn’t what they expected. Maybe their passion burns out. Maybe life forces them in a different direction. I hear so often reported the repeated the words of people as they lie taking their last breaths; that they wish they had worked less, wish they had lived a life true to them, that they wish they had expressed their feelings. But the purposes I have heard on the podcast interviews are often tied to work, to helping people away from families. Where does living with those closest to us fit into those purposes?
Living with Values Instead of a Fixed Purpose
Instead of this focus on a singular purpose, what if we focused on living in alignment with our values? Values like kindness, curiosity, adventure, or integrity can guide us without forcing us down one rigid path. Unlike a single purpose, values offer flexibility. They can shape different aspects of life, whether that is work, relationships, hobbies, or how we act in a small moment when no one is around watching us. They can keep us open to opportunities, without the single focus of an outcome. They can be there whispering, even in times of scarcity and stress. I can still be kind, I can still seek awe in the ordinary, even with my bank balance scarily low, when empowering others may seem out of the question.
If purpose feels out of reach, maybe that’s because we’re looking for something too big, too perfect, too final. I have found the real meaning in life comes from the small moments of connection, the way we show up for others, and the things that bring us quiet joy.
This idea of letting our values lead us to a fulfilled life feels like walking down the path to Aristotle and the Greek word eudaimonia (εὐδαιμονία). This idea that wellness or flourishing (I’m not sure that directly translating it to happiness is the most helpful) can be attained through living with the intention of virtue. In supposing about values rather than virtue, I would hope to leave open the door to some wider lives of living curiously, or playfully, for example. Maybe these won’t secure you a place in a religion’s heaven or the promise of enlightenment like some virtues may have done, but they could lead to a life of richness, interest, and contentment.
The Bluetit Outside My Window
What often made me uneasy at the pressure to have a purpose was, as I was listening to conversations on this, I was looking out the window at the busy little birds, collecting seeds from the feeders or interacting as they perched in the neighbour’s hedge. They don’t take up time worrying about their grand purpose in life. They just eat, sleep, reproduce, repeat. They deal with what is in front of them, such as socialising, without questioning their purpose on this spinning planet. Simplicity we have long since evolved from. But how far did we move away? Why would humans be the only animals on this planet, in this solar system, that need to work out a purpose? For me, it doesn’t fit in with life.
Perhaps the most meaningful life isn’t about chasing a grand purpose, but about knowing your values and living each day with intention.
If the bluetit outside my window doesn’t need to create a purpose, neither do I.
The next time you feel pressure to ‘find your purpose’ pause and ask yourself instead:
• What do I value most in life?
• How do I want to show up each day?
• What things, no matter how small, bring me a sense of fulfilment?
My sense is that 'finding your purpose', like so much else, has been commoditised - and it's the commoditised version (the version that gets sold to us) which is all the things you describe: shallow, privileged, incompatible with real life etc. I do, though, think there is a much deeper version, which doesn't require us to negate any of the realities of life, and which takes potentially decades to unearth itself, drawing on our full integrity as people - our souls, if you like. It's something I tried to write about here: https://katejarmstrong.substack.com/p/a-lifes-work - and it's indicative of what a slow process it is, that in the 10 months since I wrote that post I have only made gradual progress towards the outward vision. But in terms of my sense of self and where I'm going in the world, I am pretty fully in alignment with it (and, no, it's not yet how I'm earning my living).